|I want to explain how difficult it is beeing a christian and homosexual.
The page is also about my life as a homosexual and a christian and the struggle this has been.
I have now left the homosexual lifestyle since 2013/2014.
Text: Carl Grinde Date: April 4, 2014
Text also shared from linked pages Updated September 19 2019
God is both love and righteousness
When you study the Bible it's clear that God don't like homosexuality or same-sex marriage. Although I think he looks at the situation of homosexuals in everyday life. The situation for those who are gay and Christian and realize that the Bible absolutely condemns such a lifestyle and such acts may be completely untenable. What to make of yourself then? Even if you do not have sex and chooses to remain celibate so you have of course the sexual feelings. They are there within you in your everyday life. As a Christian you don't want to think of things that God hates and things that are sinful. And then your whole body is longing for just that. It's almost like you have to stop to breathe in order to have a clear conscience. Unfortunately I think many homosexuals have committed suicide because of this. If you speak thruth (God hates sin), you also need to show love, (God loves the sinner.)
Sex, sexiness, good looks, superficiality, ego fixation, self-pride and kick addiction are really central themes in our culture. A female presenters on television can be dressed in almost underwear (Let's Dance). Sex sells, as they say. Though I love sex, it's been almost like a God to me.
The autumn 2013 I have been given a new start in my spiritual life. I have explored the Bible and its message of salvation through Jesus Christ, mercy and forgiveness. God's love is truly great! No one can love like him. That's why I'm attracted to Christianity and Jesus. Apart from mercy and salvation, the Bible also speaks about sin, hell and that God will judge all men on the day of judgment. A sin is an act that is against God's will and it's crime before God.The Bible mentions homosexual acts several times and condemns such living. The word of God says that homosexuality is a sin, that God dislikes it. I have lived as an open gay for 20 years and I love sex and if I shall quit my homosexual lifestyle and stop living as gay, there must be a really, really good reason. And there is. Jesus Christ the Messiah. I have experienced him. He loves us all. God loves you! He is the ruler of the universe and He knows what is best for us. God is the best.
I do not hate gay people, and I do not hate myself. I think that homosexuality is a very difficult question. If you choose to believe the Bible as God's Holy Word, then confesses to the Bible as a divine authority. You give the Bible the right to judge you and inform you that it is God's word. I now have 2013/2014 chosen to live according to the Bible. I believe homosexuality is a sin because the Bible says so in several places. Sure, I have been very disappointed and angry at the church. Felt oppressed and rebuffed. Jesus had the ability to talk to people and urge them to stop sinning without simultaneously condemning them. I wish we could all be like him.
To you Christians: It's not that easy. The soul slife can be completely ruined for one who is gay and does not accept his or her attitude as something positive. It becomes a daily struggle to accept oneself as a human being at all. Many LGBT people live with self-contempt, alienation, loneliness, etc.
We all have a sex drive. What should one do of oneself when that part of oneself does not harmonize with one's morals?
This is very, very difficult. Despite this difficult struggle, with Jesus' help, I have chosen to regard my homosexual attitude as something sinful and wrong, something that I choose to no longer live out. Because I believe that God exists, I realize that He is the basis for right and wrong. I want to obey his will. He knows best and God has also changed my inner person and given me sexual feelings for women..
We Christians should preach the word of God in love, not in hate.
Inner conflicts of being homosexual and a christian
My life have been affected by the inner conflict of being homosexual and a christian. I have hated myself really much sadly. One part of me really loved Jesus, the Bible and God and wanted to honestly do God's will, to live by his morals and his commandments. The other part of me, my body wanted to do the opposite thing. Have sex with men and live in sin. We are always sexual beings even when we don't have sex. We always carry our sexuality within us wherever we go. We all have a sex drive, a libido. What are you to do with your self when that part of you does not harmonize with your moral standards? What are you to do with your self if you are homosexual and you consider that homosexual acts and relations are sins and against God's will? Even if you chose to live in celibacy you still have your sexuality inside of you. You can still accuse yourself and hate yourself because things you are feeling or thinking, your body's own reaction in daily life. We are sexual beings also outside the bedroom.
I have no easy or smart answer here. What I can say is how I have lived my life. Sometimes in my life, mostly, I have accepted my homosexuality and lived it. I have lived as homosexual for 20 years. Doing so, (automaticly it seems) I also decided that the Bible is not really that important so I can have sex with how many people/men I want, and watching pornography is no problem either. So looking i the back mirror of my life I see that my homosexual liberalism also led me into sexual immorality and obvious sins, watching pornography for example, promiscuity.
Even if this was not my intention from the start, accepting my homosexuality as something positive also lead me to accept pornography and promiscuity, two obvious sins. This is quite representative for the majority of LGBT people, people living as gay ..as for many heterosexuals.
I have also had periods in my life when I have lived according to what the Bible teaches about homosexuality and during these periods I have attended churches and prayed often. These "christian periods" in my life can be divided into two parts: (A) periods of feeling quite happy and in harmony with myself and God. (B) periods of feeling miserable, unhappy, depressed and sort of mentally ill. Well this has also been the case in periods of living in sin. For a heterosexal person this conflict might be hard to understand. You can't really flee from your self or hit a switch button from gay to heterosexual. Ok God can change a person's life but it takes time. Actually it feels like God is working in my life. I can now have sexual feelings for women and this is a quite new experience for me. I thank Jesus for this and ask him for more.
Perhaps there are several different reasons why people become homosexual? Perhaps heterosexual people just feel like playing a little sometimes? Cultural values can affect this behaviour. For example the female singer kate Perry's song "I kissed a girl and I liked it". A female heterosexual friend of mine said: perhaps I should also try? Refering to Katy Perry's song. Perhaps there are biological factors involved. No, I'm not afraid of labels regarding sexual behaviour. I think it's good that we can use words to describe reality. Heterosexual, Homosexual, ..most of us know the meaning of these words. Some queer theorists and gay activists go crazy and they hate these words it seems. Anyway, when I was a teenager, I didn't want to me homosexual. Not at all. But I was. It wasn't really as widely accepted as today. Later in life I learned to accept it because it was the person I was. I came out as gay quite early, 19 years old sort of. When you look at me and this blog I'm doing you can see two persons. One wants to live as a homosexual person, this is the younger me. The other one does not want to do that anymore because of what the Bible teaches about homosexuality and that God says homosexuality is a sin. I have been both those persons in different periods of my life. Some times giving more energy to one of them. Some time supporting more the other. Since my will to be obedient to God has been so strong, this conflict has almost made me crazy. It's not an easy thing. When you read my poems and see how much I have suffered from this conflict perhaps you think we all should accept a homosexual lifestyle after all. To make it easier for gay people who struggle with their identity.
Either how you look at it, living as gay means often also accepting all kinds of sins in your life. Gay community activities and events are most often focused on sex, sin, nightclubs, superficiality, drugs, pornography etc.
The Bible never blesses a homosexual relation. The Bible always condems homosexuality and say that it's a sin. This is what I find when I study the Bible. The new translations are perhaps saying other things but if so I think they are corrupt.
Can we tell God what he shall think?
God loves all people but he hates sin. We can't change God about this matter. It's who he is. In this life we all have the chance to create a friendship relation to God. God gives us all this chance in this life. I think we should strive to follow God's word, the Bible. And we should all encourage, love, support, help eachother, guide eachother. We should also give correction if this is necessary but hating eachother is not what Jesus wants us to do.
Yes, speaking the true gospel about salvation, sin and redemtion, heaven and hell in a world of atheism , liberalism and sin can make people hate you. But let the hate be their thing, not yours.
We should also give correction if this is necessary but hating eachother is not what Jesus wants us to do.
Jesus loves people so much that he changes them.
Here are some poems I have written
I have been sad and lonely quite much in my life. Not always, I have had happy periods also. My childhood for example was very happy but I have been happy many times as an adult also. I think my teenage years were worst, like being 16, 17. Actually in periods I have been mentally ill or what to say. Just been depressed, lonely and sad. Taking lonely walks out in the forest in dark nights watching the moon and stuff. Thinking about God.
The thirsty girl
A girl is sitting by a table. She is thirsty. In front of her on the table there is a glass of water. Still she does not reach for it. She knows that if she will reach out her hand, the glass will dissolve and disappear into thin air, just because it's her hand that is reaching out. After a while, the girl realises that this just an obsession and not true. She reaches out her hand and the glass dissolves and disappears into thin air.
I'm suffering from a strange disease, confusion.
It's like a poison spreading in the body and when I think of it, it grows.
Finally it is the confusion that stares back at me.
"It" must not be me.
When I sleep my body slips apart and is completely removed in some places.
Waking up in the morning is a chocking experience with loose body parts in the bed.
I have to lay for one hour in order to become whole and get out of bed.
I must analyze, I have no other choice.
The analyze takes five minutes. The rest of the day I spend building castles and gardens out of dust.
Now the castles and the gardens are ready.
I dress myself and get out.
The air is fresh and nice to breathe.
As I watch the sun moving down on the sky I realize: time stands still, It's only the room that is moving itself.
When the day is over I go to bed.
Who am I?
The blind plumber
There was a man who had mold damage in his house. This was because the water lines were old and rusty and leaking water in several places.
This had been going on for a longer while and the mold smell was now so severe that it nearly drove the man out of the house.
Then he contacted a plumber. But when the plumber came something really strange happened.
At the moment he entered the room the man saw that the moisture damage on the walls disappeared. The pool of water by the stove drew itself together and disappeared slowly through the floor.
The holes in the water pipes was sealed and the rust was erased like by an invisible hand. The plumber approached the sink and took the tools out of his bag. He looked surprised at the good and shiny pipes. Finally, because he could not find any damage he gave up. Puzzled he looked at the man. Then he packed his tools in his bag and went home. On his way out he stopped for a short moment in the vestibule. Was there a smell of mold? When he had shut the door behind him all things became as they where before.
The poem "The blind plumber" is about unhappy love but also a person in the need of help.
The man in the house is me, being lonely and sad, almost going crazy. The plumber is a heterosexual guy in my class that I fell in love with.
He was a christian and I told him about that I was homosexual and in love with him and that I also felt very lonely sad and depressed, in the need for help and company.
He was a very kind person but at the same time my problems were to big and became unpleasant for him to think of. Moreover, I was in love with him so the only thing he could feel was disgust I guess and a bad feeling about being with me. At the same time he wanted to be nice to me so he repressed my whole situation. He just wiped it away. He closed his eyes. He had to. I understand this now afterwards. What should he have done? Become gay and married me? When I showed him this poem and told him what it was about he dropped out of school for 3 days. We have no contact today.
About homosexuality and gender identity
Babies born with Disorder of Sex Development (DSD)
Each year there are a percentage of people born with an indefinite gender identity. These persons need help, support, medical treatment, perhaps surgery, not judgment. It must be a terrible feeling for them.
(bbc.co.uk) "After Janet was born, it was difficult to tell if she was a boy or a girl. "When my grandfather learned there was a question of my sex, it was suggested by him that they just let me die," she says. Now in her 50s and a mother of two, she was born with a womb, ovaries and female genes but her genitals and hormones were partly masculine. She was diagnosed with congenital adrenal hyperplasia, a DSD where her body makes too much testosterone."
(bbc.co.uk) "babies born with some form of Disorder of Sex Development (DSD) happens in one in every 1,500 births"
Is the sexual affection between a man and a woman meant to be?
Are the sexes meant to be opposites?
Is life meant to be?
I think the answer on these three questions is yes.
The poem "What is stuttering?" is about homosexuality. I think the sexual affection between a man and a woman meant to be. I think the sexes are meant to be opposite.
It's not a coincidence, it has not happened by chance. God created life. For him we all have the same value. He loves us. He want's us to love him.
What is stuttering?
A person who stutters is a person who can't speak correctly. The speech sounds strange and weird. Proper speech shall be clear and precisely and without any slip of the tongue. God has given us tongue, lips, glottis so we can speak to eachother. Then what can you say about a stutterer? What is happening in the moment someone stutters? Somebody is performing an act that is wrong. Just because the act is wrong you can't put any moral aspect upon it. One can simply state that something is not right. Should one speak if one has a speaking problem? Or should one live in silence?
I wrote this poem "What is stuttering?" when I was perhaps 22 years old or so, don't know exactly. I wrote it because I wanted to say how it feels to not fit in the mainstream norm, to be different and to be gay. I also wanted to justify homosexuality when I wrote it. This is my own poem, It's not from God. What I think now is that homosexuality is a sin and something that God does not like. But he loves all people and he loves me. And also, what shall a homosexual person do with him/her self if he/she can not feel relaxed about who he/she is? If you look at it, something that would help is if we all say that homosexuality is ok and that God also likes homosexual relations. Then all gay people can relax. But I just can't find this in God's word. I can't find any place in the Bible where God blesses or likes homosexuality. Rather the opposite actually. God hates it and condems it. So therefore I can't say that homosexuality is ok.
What I can say is that homosexual people are ok. We all have the right to live and be respected. We all have the right to go to church. The more people that dares to say that they are gay, the more easy for others the situation becomes.
You have heard what I think anyway. Many homosexual people in churches suffer. In many countries they are killed. This is awful.
But times has also changed. Now I think that it's Christians and Bible preachers that will be killed and put in prison. The Fema camps are ready, the NDAA act signed. All they need now is a fear factor.
I don't believe in Charles Darwin's theory of evolution
I don't believe that life was created only by chance out of nothing. I believe in creation and that God created the world with a purpose. There is a meaning of life and there is a meaning with our existence. There is also a meaning with our physical bodies, our brains, minds, sexual organs etc.
God has chosen a very cool way for life to become into existence. A man falls in love with a woman and they have sex and create a baby -a new person.
So there is a reason why a man can get sexually attracted to a woman and vice verca. I don't think this is just a coincidence or a result by chance. It is meant to be. What do you think? This is an important question. Is the sexual affection between a man and a woman meant to be? Is it supposed to be? I think so. There is nothing wrong with this. It's natural and God's plan for life.
A homosexual person can not be atracted to a person of the opposite sex so this goes against God's plan and God's will. I have lived as a homosexual person for 20 years and have only had sex and love relations with men. For just the latest years I have changed so I have become a little bisexual. I was terrified when I first realized this. Sexual feelings for girls, me? No! this can't be true. I'm gay! Away with this! Heeelp!
Now I only see this as a positive thing and I think it's from God. I had an inner process that started in october/November 2013 where I felt that I should leave the homosexual lifestyle because it's a sin accoring to God and the Bible. And this is what I have done since then. You can say that this process started already in the summer of 2013 when I felt that God was trying to tell me something. I don't feel that I hate myself like I used to do before during similar occasions. I think this is God working in me.
How much can we afford to compromise and still being sure of eternal salvation?
The question is worth a thought or two. Is the Bible only a fairy tail and a bunch of fantasies?
Or is it about heaven or hell for real? For you? for me? for us all? I think so.
If sins are not so important for God, then why did Jesus die on the cross? For fun?
Universal salvation sounds good but is it true? I don't think so. It does not fit with the Bible.
And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment,
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
"Not everyone who calls out to me, 'Lord! Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter.